:: Bersa Talk ::

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his
Lawyer (both church members), to come to his home. When they arrived,
they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the  room, the
preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of
the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled
and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.

Both the IRS agent and Lawyer were touched and flattered that the old
preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moment. They
were also puzzled because the preacher had never given any indication
that he particularly liked either one of them.

Finally, the Lawyer asked, "Preacher, why did you ask the two of  us to
come?"

The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus
died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too.

Bubba went to a psychiatrist.                                                                                                            
'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it.

I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'
 
'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink.

'Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears.'

'How much do you charge?'

'Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor.'

'I'll sleep on it,' said Bubba.

Six months later the doctor met Bubba on the street.

'Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?' asked the psychiatrist.

'Well Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money!

A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'
 
'Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now !!!'

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Bersa Thunder 9mm Ultra Compact
Browning Hi Power 9mm
Ruger P90DC 45 ACP
Browning Buck Mark 22
German Mauser 7.65 Officers Pistol

For Sale Full Set of  Britianica Encyclopedias

45 Volumes, don't need anymore, got married last week and new wife knows everything.

She said she'd only been married two other times before, some guy that wore a tin hat, and one who hated glocks. 

WWARD (What would a realtor do?) Sometimes I wish I had a passenger seat ejection button!!!

Older woman was standing in front of her mirror in the nude and remarked to her husband in the tin hat, "Honey, I'm getting old, fat and ugly.... I really need a compliment."  Tin hat replied, "Honey, your eyesight is still damn near perfect....... and if you're going out to the range today, could you take and shoot that Gblock we just got back from the gunsmith, you know, the one that blew up when your brother Larry was shooting those special loads I made up for him, and by the way, here are some loads so you don't have to buy any."  "Oh yeah, did you pick up that roll of Reynold's Wrap while you were out, I'm running a little low, need to reline my hat as I'm guest speaker for the mother ship's annual banquet tonight......and if you should make it back from the range,  let me know and I'll beam you up."

 

This was a good short joke, and then just took a life of it's own.

Linda Burnett , 23, a resident of San Diego , was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the 
back of her head. 
 
  
 
One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes  were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she had been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. 
  
When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.  A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. 
  
 When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and 
 thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly 
 recovered. 
  
 Linda is a blonde and a Democrat, and an Obama supporter, but that could be irrelevant. 

---

Freedom Has A Taste...And For Those That Have Fought For It , The Taste Is Sweet...The protected will never know .

VENI VIDI VICI

DD-657 DD531 DD-756

 A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds.  Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the  friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to  'persuade' them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

---

Whining is for little girls, babies, mommy’s boys and girly men.
SNIVELING? Now that’s an art form!

FS22
BT380dlx; P3AT; PPK
Beretta 92FS; CX4 Storm
BT45UC; FS1911dlx; Colt M1991A1; DW Bobtail
Taurus 38UL
CZ fnh Modell 27 WWII Luftwaffe issued to Hauptman Jaeduvel
+ old family guns

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)

a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

---

Whining is for little girls, babies, mommy’s boys and girly men.
SNIVELING? Now that’s an art form!

FS22
BT380dlx; P3AT; PPK
Beretta 92FS; CX4 Storm
BT45UC; FS1911dlx; Colt M1991A1; DW Bobtail
Taurus 38UL
CZ fnh Modell 27 WWII Luftwaffe issued to Hauptman Jaeduvel
+ old family guns

                                             The Wedgie

Little Johnny comes home from catholic school with a black eye. His father sees it and says, "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?"

"But Dad, it wasn't my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out. That's when she hit me!"

"Johnny," the father said. "You don't do those kind of things to women."

Sure enough, the very next day Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue. Johnny's father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!"

"But Dad," Johnny said, "It wasn't my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn't like this, so I pushed it back in!"

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"The world is a dangerous place, not because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing." Albert Einstein

---

Freedom Has A Taste...And For Those That Have Fought For It , The Taste Is Sweet...The protected will never know .

VENI VIDI VICI

DD-657 DD531 DD-756

And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.

No pun in ten did.

---

Whining is for little girls, babies, mommy’s boys and girly men.
SNIVELING? Now that’s an art form!

FS22
BT380dlx; P3AT; PPK
Beretta 92FS; CX4 Storm
BT45UC; FS1911dlx; Colt M1991A1; DW Bobtail
Taurus 38UL
CZ fnh Modell 27 WWII Luftwaffe issued to Hauptman Jaeduvel
+ old family guns

God Bless Texas
This is why we love Texans ...
Texans get right to the point and most of the time, what they say
is correct.
T. B. Bechtel, a part-time City Councilman from Midland, TX., was
asked on a local live radio talk show, just what he thought of the
allegations of torture of the Iraqi prisoners.
His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous
applause from the audience.
"If hooking up an Iraqi prisoner's b***s to a car's battery cables
will save one Texas GI's life, then I have just three things to say:
Red is positive,
Black is negative,
Make sure his b***s are wet."

---

__________________________________
A veteran is someone who, at one point in his life wrote a blank check Made payable to 'The United States of America ' for an amount of 'up to and including my life.'

Guy walks into a bar with a steering wheel in front of his pants.  The bartender asks why he has a steering wheel in front of his pants.

He responds...........

It drives me nuts

---

"A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses
both." --Dwight D. Eisenhower

Forgot about this one; God Bless Google . . .

A ventriloquist cowboy took a walk in the country and saw a rancher sitting on his porch with his dog.
Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?"
Rancher: "This dog don't talk!"
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it goin'?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
Rancher: (Look of extreme shock)
Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing at rancher)
Dog: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Rancher: (Look of disbelief)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Rancher: "Horses don't talk!"
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it goin'?"
Horse: "Cool."
Rancher: (An even wilder look of shock)
Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing at rancher)
Horse: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Rancher: (Look of total amazement)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Rancher: (Gesticulating wildly and hardly able to talk)......"Them sheep ain't nothin' but liars, every darned one of 'em!!!!

---

"He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose."

Be politically correct

How to be politically correct with women

She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.

She is not a BAD COOK - She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.

She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY - She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED.

She is not CONCEITED - She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES.

She does not want to be MARRIED - She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION.

She does not GAIN WEIGHT - She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.

She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.

She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

She is not TOO SKINNY - She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.

She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE - She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE.

She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS - She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT.

She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.

She does not GO SHOPPING - She is MALL FLUENT.

She is not an AIR HEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

She does not get FAT or CHUBBY - She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY.

She is not COLD or FRIGID - She is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE.

She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP - She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION.

She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE

.....

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"The world is a dangerous place, not because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing." Albert Einstein

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M D "Doc" Nugent - carcentric.com