Let's keep 'em reasonably clean and in one place. (send me the dirty ones in a PM )

Ok Iam going to give this a try.  Now in interest of  reading jokes only NO LOL  smiley's  ect. Just read And enjoy.  That way we can read jokes not  ha ha LOL and other. 

MT

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You trying to screen for communists? Don't worry, we're all cool. - Dale

Some things to ponder.........

1. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

2. Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."

3. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

4. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

5. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

6. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

7. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

8. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?

9. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

10. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

11. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

12. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

13 Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

14. Stop singing and read on.........

15. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

16. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

17. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

18. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

19. Do you wonder why you started reading this in the first place?

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You trying to screen for communists? Don't worry, we're all cool. - Dale

                                             COWBOY ACCIDENT

When a cowboy decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning the Cowboy.

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"

''Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my horse into the--"

''I didn't ask for any details,'' the lawyer interrupted. ''Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"
''Well I had just got my horse into the trailer and was driving down the road--''
''Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'' By this time the Judge was fairly interested in the Cowboys's answer and told the lawyer so.

''Well," said the Cowboy, "as I was saying, I had just loaded Flash, my favorite horse, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Flash was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Flash moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Flash moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your horse was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"

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"The world is a dangerous place, not because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing." Albert Einstein

  
 

A stranger was seated next to a 8-year old girl on the airplane when the
stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk, I've heard that flights go
quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said
to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?' 'Oh, I don't know,'
said the stranger 'How about nuclearpower? and he smiles.
'OK,' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you
a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff -
grass - Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty,
and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'
The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks
about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.
To which the little girl replies, Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know s#*%?

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CREATE A JOB, SAVE A JOB..... BUY AMERICAN!

The Faith Healer

Two women were sitting in the doctor's waiting room comparing notes on their various disorders. "I want a baby more than anything in the world," said the first, "But I guess it is impossible." "I used to feel just the same way," said the second. "But then everything changed. That's why I'm here. I'm going to have a baby in three months." "You must tell me what you did." "I went to a faith healer." "But I've tried that. My husband and I went to one for nearly a year and it didn't help a bit." The other woman smiled and whispered, "Try going alone, next time, dearie."

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"The world is a dangerous place, not because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing." Albert Einstein

OUT OF STATE COUPLE

The out-of-state couple are camping on the shores of a lake near 
a tiny hamlet. The young wife, stunningly built, decides to give 
the local town folk a thrill by sun bathing in the nude.

"That's okay with me, honey," says her husband. "I'll go get some 
wood for the fire." About thirty minutes later, the husband returns 
to the campsite and finds his wife in tears. One of her breasts has 
been painted green, the other red and her bottom is blue. "What 
on earth happened to you dear?" he asks.

"Some of those rednecks from town came over and told me they 
don't allow any nakedness around these parts. Then they gave 
me this paint job!"

"Those troublemakers! I'll fix them!" the husband shouts. He 
rides into town and finds the rednecks in a bar. "Who is the jerk 
who painted my wife red, green and blue!" he shouts.

A huge man, about 6' 8", steps forward, a shotgun in his hands. 
"I did it," he bellows. "What you got to say about it?"

The husband answers meekly, "I just wanted you to know the
first coat of paint is dry."

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"The world is a dangerous place, not because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing." Albert Einstein

The old man with a straw hat and pipe sat in his rocker outside the General Store.  A dog lay at his feet.

The Lib tourist in khakis an MG squealed to a stop, jumped out and started for the steps. "Does your dog bite?" he snootily asked.

"Nope" the old man matter-of-factly replied.

The Lib Yuppie took one more step, the dog charged and ripped a chunk right out of his a**. "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" he wimpered.

The old man sized him up and down, "Mine don't......but that one does!"

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Bersa Thunder 380 Matte
Ruger P85
Dan Wesson 357
Beretta 87
Ruger Bear Cat
Jimenez JA-380 and other SNS's

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Freedom Has A Taste...And For Those That Have Fought For It , The Taste Is Sweet...The protected will never know .

VENI VIDI VICI

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Little Johnny on Politics

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Freedom Has A Taste...And For Those That Have Fought For It , The Taste Is Sweet...The protected will never know .

VENI VIDI VICI

DD-657 DD531 DD-756

Bullzeye24:

Little Johnny's father woke up one morning to find his son packing a bag and ask "Johnny where are you going?"

Johnny replied I'll be damed if I'm stuck here alone with the mortgage and no car"

 edited by MT

I am surprsed this many people have trouble with the word "appropriate" (edit - deleted a bunch)

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BT - Now with modS!

I agree Poke......that one is pushing the limits.......

Here is something I hope is a little more along the lines of PG......

 

                  A Smart Old Man

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"The world is a dangerous place, not because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing." Albert Einstein

A farmer had three daughters who were going out on first dates on the same night..  The farmer decided he would meet all three of the boys and decide if they were fit for his daughters.  The first boy showed up,  "Hello, I'm Joe, and I'm here to see Floe, she and I are going to a show!"  The farmer invited him in.  The second boy showed up.  "Hello, I'm Freddy, and I'm here to see Betty, she and I are going to eat Spaghetti."  The farmer invited him in.  The third boy came to the door,  "Hi, I'm Chuck!"  The farmer shot him!

 

TICK WARNING!

I hate it when people forward bogus warnings, and I have even done it myself
a couple times unintentionally... but this one is real, and it's important.
So please send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list, especially any
biologists or Scout leaders you may know.

If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks due
to the warm weather and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around
with your arms up, DO NOT DO IT!! THIS IS A SCAM!! They only want to see you
naked.

I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid.

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Bersa Talk isn't perfect.. But we are perfecting the art of imperfection...

 

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Freedom Has A Taste...And For Those That Have Fought For It , The Taste Is Sweet...The protected will never know .

VENI VIDI VICI

DD-657 DD531 DD-756

                              50 / 50

A man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at a fast food 
place. He noticed that they had ordered just one meal, and as he 
watched, the older gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in 
half, then counted out the fries until each had half of them.

The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with 
her hands folded in her lap.

The young man decided to ask if they would let him buy another 
meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs.

The old gentleman said, "Oh, no. We've been married 50 
years, and everything has always been and will always be 
shared, 50/50."

The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, 
to which she replied, "Not yet. It's his turn to use the teeth."

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"The world is a dangerous place, not because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing." Albert Einstein