:: Bersa Talk ::

A man was sitting on a bench when a teenager sat down beside him.  The teen had his hair styled in several large spikes, each one a different color.  As the man sat staring at him, the teenager looked at him with a smirk and said, "Didn't you ever do anything crazy when you were young?"  To which the man replied, "Yeah. I slept with a peacock once and thought you might be my son."

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"90% of everything is crap." - Sturgeon’s Revelation

Firestorm 380
Springfield XD-40
Firestorm 1911 Deluxe

 The next time someone asks you a dumb question wouldn't you like to
      respond like this?

      Yesterday I was at my local Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina dog
      chow for my loyal pet, Sheriff, the Wonder Dog and was in the
      checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

      What did she think I had, an elephant?  So since I'm retired and have
      little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I
      was starting the Purina Diet again.  I added that I probably
      shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd
      lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes
      coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

      I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way
      that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and
      simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.  The food is
      nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it
      again.  (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was
      now enthralled with my story.)

      Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog
      food poisoned me.  I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an
      Irish Setter's a** and a car hit us both.

      I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
      laughing so hard.  Wal-Mart won't let me shop there anymore.

      Better watch what you ask retired people.  They have all the time in
      the world to think of crazy things to say, and we're working on new
      ones everyday!!

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__________________________________
A veteran is someone who, at one point in his life wrote a blank check Made payable to 'The United States of America ' for an amount of 'up to and including my life.'

The population of this country is 300 million.
160 million are retired.
That leaves 140 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school.
Which leaves 55 million to do the work.
Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.
Leaving 20 million to do the work.
3.5 million are in the armed forces
Which leaves 16.5 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 15.1 million people who work for state and city governments.
And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me

And there you are,

sitting on your ass,

at your computer, reading jokes.

Nice. Real nice

 

Have a Great Weekend!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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"The world is a dangerous place, not because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing." Albert Einstein

Did she threaten to kill ya?

One day, an immigrant from Poland entered a New York City 
Police Precinct to report that his American wife was planning 
to kill him.

The police officer on duty was intrigued by this, and he asked, 
"How sure are ya that she is gonna kill ya? Did she threaten to 
kill ya?"

"No," replied the nervous immigrant.

"Did ya hear her tell someone else that she's gonna kill ya?" 
"No."

"Did someone tell ya that your wife is gonna kill ya?" 
"No."

"Then why did ya think she's gonna kill ya?" asked the 
exasperated police officer.

"Because I found bottle on dresser and I think she gonna poison 
me!" He handed the police officer the suspect bottle.

The police officer took one look at the label on the bottle and 
started to laugh out loud. 

The immigrant became indignant and said, "What so funny? 
Can't you see the label on bottle said 'Polish Remover'

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"The world is a dangerous place, not because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing." Albert Einstein

She left him on the sofa when the phone rang, and was back in a few seconds. "Who was it?" he asked. "My husband," she replied. "I better get going," he said. "Where was he?" "Relax. He'll be late, he's playing poker with you.".......

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"The world is a dangerous place, not because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing." Albert Einstein

An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a western town one day. He'd been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of whiskey. He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.

As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, 'Hey old man, have you ever danced?'

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, 'No, I never did dance. I just never wanted to.'

A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, 'Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now,' and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing.

When the gunslinger fired his last bullet, he holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and pulled both hammers back making a double clicking sound. The gunslinger heard the sound and everything got quiet. The crowd watched as the gunslinger slowly turned around looking down both barrels of the shotgun.

The old man asked, 'Did you ever French-kiss a mule square in the ass?'

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, 'No. But I've always wanted to.



The lessons from this story are:

1. Don't waste ammunition.

2. Don't mess with old people.

RT

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"The American people will never knowingly adopt socialism, but under the name of 'liberalism,' they will adopt every fragment of the socialist program, until one day, America will be a socialist nation, without knowing how it happened."

- Norman Thomas (1884 – 1968)

A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a bottle of whiskey.  He takes a big drink, walks outside and kisses his horse square in the butt.  Walks back in, takes another drink, goes out side and kisses the horse once again.  He does this several more time, until the bar tender has seen enough.

"Why are you doing that?" the bartender asks.

"My lips are chapped." was the reply.

"Does that help them heal ?" 

"No, but it stops me from licking my lips."

---

"90% of everything is crap." - Sturgeon’s Revelation

Firestorm 380
Springfield XD-40
Firestorm 1911 Deluxe

Everday a guy comes into work and goes up to this pretty girl and snuggles up to her and says to her,your hair always smells so good.

The girl finally has had enough.She goes directly to the boss's office and says to him.I would like to file an harassment complaint against a co-worker.
The boss looks at her and says "Whats wrong with a fellow co-worker telling you your hair smells good?"

She replies "He's a midget."

---

If politicians are allowed to spew nonsense and people act as if they've spoken intelligently, why can't I?

                                                     The Bet

A blonde was sitting down in a bar one day next to a red-head. Both of them were sitting there having a good time and then the news turned on.

The woman reporter shouted out "This just in! A man is at the edge of a cliff attempting to jump!". Then the red-head leans over to the blonde and whispers, "I bet you $50 that the man's gonna jump!" The blonde responds back "That's a bet you have there!".

So, both of the woman stared at the news waiting to know whats gonna happen. Then, the man jumps! The blonde turns around to the red-head and hands her the $50. The red-head feeling guilty said "I cant take that there money. I saw the news earlier this mornin', i knew he was gonna jump off that there cliff."

And the blonde says "Well, i did too! But i never would have thought that he would do it again!"

---

"The world is a dangerous place, not because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing." Albert Einstein

Baked Beans

Once there lived a man who had a passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they had a lively reaction on him. Then one day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "she is such a sweet and gentle girl, she will never go for this kind of carrying on." So making the supreme sacrifice, he gave up baked beans. They were married shortly thereafter.

Months later, his car broke down on the way home from work, and he had to walk home. On the way home, he went into a small cafe and called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk home. After making the call, he smelled baked beans in the cafe. They were the best beans he had ever smelled! He could not resist and had three large orders of baked beans.

All the way home he had gas.

His wife seemed excited and somewhat agitated to see him, exclaiming,"darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for dinner tonight!"

She blindfolded him and led him to his chair at the dining room table. He seated himself. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She made him vow not to touch the blindfold until she returned. Seizing the opportunity of her absence, he shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not loud, but as ripe as rotten eggs. He took the napkin from his lap and fanned the air about him.

Things had just returned to normal when he felt another urge coming on. So he shifted his weight to the other leg and let go again. This was a prize winner. He figured that he must be done. But then he made a third fart. This one made the flowers at the table wilt! Yet somehow his wife didn't hear him.

While keeping his ear on the phone conversation in the hall, he again fanned vigorously until he heard the phone farewells, indicating the end of his freedom. He was the very picture of innocence when his wife returned.

Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked. He assured her that he had not.

At this point, she removed the blindfold and there was his surprise -- Twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party!

---

"The world is a dangerous place, not because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing." Albert Einstein

Amazingly Simple Home Remedies

  
 1.  IF YOU'RE CHOKING ON AN ICE CUBE, SIMPLY POUR A CUP OF BOILING WATER DOWN YOUR THROAT. PRESTO! THE BLOCKAGE WILL INSTANTLY REMOVE ITSELF.

 
 2.  AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO  HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

 
 3.  AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE  SINK.

 
 4.  FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW  MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

 
 5.  A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING  OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

 
 6.  IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE TOO  AFRAID TO COUGH.

 
 7.  YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND  SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

 
 8.  REMEMBER - EVERYONE SEEMS NORMAL  UNTIL YOU GET TO KNOW THEM.

 
 9.  IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

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__________________________________
A veteran is someone who, at one point in his life wrote a blank check Made payable to 'The United States of America ' for an amount of 'up to and including my life.'

A dog saunters in to an Old Western bar and scans the room while he pulls up on his gun belt.

Seeing all was clear, the dog pulls up a bar stool, tips his hat, rests a bloody, bandaged foot on the counter and says to the bartender...

"I'm lookin' for the man who shot my Paw...."

---

Bersa Thunder 380 Matte
Ruger P85
Dan Wesson 357
Beretta 87
Ruger Bear Cat
Jimenez JA-380 and other SNS's

Horse walks into the bar..

Bartender comes up and says "why the long face"?

---

Whining is for little girls, babies, mommy’s boys and girly men.
SNIVELING? Now that’s an art form!

FS22
BT380dlx; P3AT; PPK
Beretta 92FS; CX4 Storm
BT45 UC; FS 1911 DLX; Colt M1991A1; DW Bobtail
Taurus 38UL
CZ fnh Modell 27 WWII Luftwaffe issued to Hauptman Jaeduvel
+ old family guns

WW II German POW camp. All the American prisoners are lined up out in the parade ground. Each one is twitchen to the right all in unison saying "Tic" "Tic" "Tic" "Tic".

Finally the commandant has enough and says "Ve have vayes to make you Tok"

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Whining is for little girls, babies, mommy’s boys and girly men.
SNIVELING? Now that’s an art form!

FS22
BT380dlx; P3AT; PPK
Beretta 92FS; CX4 Storm
BT45 UC; FS 1911 DLX; Colt M1991A1; DW Bobtail
Taurus 38UL
CZ fnh Modell 27 WWII Luftwaffe issued to Hauptman Jaeduvel
+ old family guns

There are three ladies working in the same office. They begin to notice that each day the boss, who is also a female, leaves work early.
One day they decide that once the boss takes off they are gonna be right behind her, after all she never comes back or calls so how would she know.
So, they all three leave and the brunette was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at her spa before meeting her dinner date.
The redhead was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening and went to bed early.
The blonde was happy, happy, happy, to be home. But when she got to her bedroom she heard a muffled noise from inside.
Slowly, quietly, she cracks open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS!!
Ever so gently she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day at coffee break, the brunette and redhead mentioned leaving early again and asked the blonde if she wanted to go with them. "NO WAY!!" The blonde exclaimed, "I almost got caught yesterday!

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"The world is a dangerous place, not because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing." Albert Einstein