The Heart Surgeon

A farmer had five female pigs.  Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them.  At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50. \

The farmers lived sixty miles apart. So they agreed to drive thirty  miles each, and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.

The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 A.M., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle he had, and drove the thirty miles.

While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, 'How will I know if they are pregnant?' The other farmer replied, 'If they're lying in the grass in the morning, they're pregnant. If they're in the mud, they're not.'

The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again. This continued each morning for more than a week.

The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed. He called to his wife, 'Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass.' 'Neither,' yelled his wife, 'they're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn.

parrothead_madness:

This ones for mason.....

There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores
of a lake. There was an island in the middle of the lake, over which
the kingdoms had been fighting for years. Finally, the three kings
decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the
winner would take the island.




The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched
camp and readied themselves for the fight. The first kingdom had 12
knights, and each knight had five squires, all of whom were busily
polishing armor, brushing horses, and cooking food. The second kingdom
had twenty knights, and each knight had 10 squires. Everyone at that
camp was also busy preparing for battle. At the camp of the third
kingdom, there was only one knight, with his squire. This squire took a
large pot and hung it from a looped rope in a tall tree. He busied
himself preparing the meal, while the knight polished his own armor.




When the hour of the battle came, the three kingdoms sent their
squires out to fight (this was too trivial a matter for the knights to
join in).




The battle raged, and when the dust had cleared, the only person
left was the lone squire from the third kingdom, having defeated the
squires from the other two kingdoms, thus proving that the squire of
the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other
two sides.

A young man who grew up on the local farm left home to visit the big city.

He had never been with a woman and was going to find a woman for his first time.

Knowing of the dangers of unprotected sex he went into the first drug store he saw.

The pharmacist walked up to him and asked "Can I help you son?"

"Yeah I need me a condom, you got any of them?"

"What kind would you like?"

"Kind?" he stated ."Do they make more than one?"

amused the pharmacist led him over to the counter with the items in question.

"As you can see there are many different kinds, plain, ribbed, pre lubed. colored."

"Colored, why would you need different colors?"

"Some women are into that sort of thing I guess."

"OK give some of those."

He pays and leaves. Nine months later he returns to the same drug store and the same pharmacist comes over. "Can I help you?"

"Yeah do you sell maternity bras?"

"What bust?" ask the pharmacist

"That BLUE ONE."

Indian Message To The Moon

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, they did some astronaut training on a Navajo Indian reservation. One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question which his son translated. "What are these guys in the big suits doing?"

A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional opportunity for the spin-doctors, the NASA folks found a tape recorder.

After the old man recorded his message, they asked the son to translate it. He refused. So the NASA reps brought the tape to the reservation where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed but refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.

Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. He reported that the moon message said, "Watch out for these guys; they have come to steal your land."